Grudges, hatred and why I hate BMW so much.

I’m a very hateful person, I’ll admit that. And I don’t want to change anything about it. I love my grudges.  This will be another childhood story and will clarify why I hate those damn cars so much, hopefully. Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of anger and hatred towards people. So it inspired me to write about this. Also because I’m extremely bored. Isolation does that to you.

My dad’s friends are all bad friends, none of them have good personalities. But there’s one friend he used to had. He’s my very first grudge. As a toddler, I used to be so scared of him because he always used to threaten to tie me up and lock me up in the back of the car.
Every time he came to visit us, I was always his number 1 target to bully.
When my parents went to visit him, they always used to push me to go with them, even though they knew how he treated me. He bullied me in front of them (and now I’m wondering why they never fucking bothered to step in!). I was 3 years old! I hated him so much, that every time when I left his house I didn’t even bother to have some manners to politely say “goodbye” to him and then he always grabbed my arm really hard and said to me “if you don’t say goodbye to me politely, I will kill your parents and then I will lock you up in the back of my car.”. And this while my parents were just standing there and laughing it off!!
Thinking about it made me realize how bad my parents are at being parents. I didn’t do anything wrong back then and they didn’t even step in. If I were an adult and I saw how he was talking to a toddler, I would’ve stepped in and would’ve said “How dare you speak to a child like that?!”  I was a good kid and behaved well, unless they treat me bad, like him. He always had those creepy big eyes when he talked to me. He was never nice to me. And even if I did misbehave, it still didn’t give him the right to talk to a 3-year-old like that! Telling the kid that he would kill her parents and then lock her up!
That’s not all. He also tried to split my parents up by manipulating my dad (my dad is easy to manipulate, he’s stupid and has a weak mind). He tried to turn my dad against my mom many times and then manipulated another woman – who obviously had a crush on my dad – to flirt with my dad while my mother was in the same room. So she sat on his lap and was being “smooch” (if that’s even a word?) and such with him. And then my mother would always grab me and then leave the dinner party or wherever we where without him. How many times I’ve sat in the car and saw my dad staring through the window while my mother drove away with us. She has left him at dinner parties many times. Almost every time, it was the fault of that son of a bitch. As a kid, it’s not fun to see your parents fight or hear your mother shout to your dad. Never grew up in a warm family. Most of the fights were because of that bitch. Also the fact that my parents don’t love each other. My mother told me once that he raped her and that’s how she got pregnant. If she meant well for her kids, she would’ve made the decision not to have kids. It was a torture growing up with these kind of parents. I’ve mostly learned how to hate, but not how to love. And guess what, that son of a bitch that was making things much worse for our family and tried to tear our family apart, I hate the most in my life. My first one. You never forget about your first one, huh?

When I was 15 and started to develop some feminine features (boobs and ass), that asshole bullied me less. Then it was me passing by to go play in the garden with the other kids at that dinner party, and then him slapping my ass! While he sat at the same table where my dad was sitting! My dad didn’t even speak up for me! NO ONE at that table spoke up. Or is it just a typical Asian thing to not speak up for something that was obviously inappropriate? He always found an excuse to touch me. And none of my parents fucking had the guts to speak up. I’ve told them many times that I hated his guts and that they should ditch him because he’s a poisonous friend, a rat. For years, I’ve been telling them that. My mom hated him too and she didn’t even do anything about it.  Until she secretly recorded the douchebag while he was talking behind my dad’s back. She tried to confront the son of a bitch and lured him into her trap, and that’s how my dad finally got to hear that he’s not a real friend (well duh!). So finally, I didn’t have to see that fucking ugly face again and haven’t seen that “fugly” face for years now (thank god!).

He always drives a BMW car. ALWAYS. I’ve never seen him with some other brand. ALWAYS BMW. So when I see that logo, I see that motherfucker in front of me. So that’s why I hate BMW so much. Also because BWM cars are overpriced for mediocre cars…
Zero class car. Zero class guy that likes to drive that car.
I’ve also been having the same recurring dream once in a while. I’ve dreamt about it 3 times now. In that dream, I’ve killed someone and my dad somehow always helped me to get rid of the body in that dream. It’s always him. No one else. The killing itself, I didn’t see in my dream. Didn’t even see who I’ve killed.
But now that I’m writing all of this, I realize that maybe the dream is linked to the person I hate the most. I will always hold grudges against him. Out of all my grudges, he’s the biggest one. I do not hate him because I care for him (since there’s a quote out there that says that if you hate a person, you care for them), no, I hate him for what he has done to me and my family. Before he came into our lives, our family situation was somewhat endurable. They fought, but they didn’t fought that much until he came.  I also think that the day when my dad threatened my mom with a knife, was maybe because of him and his manipulations, driving my dad’s head insane.  Also, when my mom went to Laos for my grandmother’s funeral for a month, my dad was NEVER home! I was in high school and had exams then, so I had to take care of my mentally handicapped sister, cook and clean during my exams! We also ran out of food in the house as well! My dad was negligent, because he abandoned us everyday to go hang out at that motherfucker’s house until it was very very late! I also hated my dad for years because of his negligent behavior. And then I got to the part where I understood him, I even wrote about it on my blog. But now I hate him again. Because his mind is so weak and easy to manipulate. First it was that motherfucker, and now he’s listening to some podcast about politics and communists in Laos and driving our heads insane. He’s not living in this world anymore. All day, he sits on the couch and stares at his phone screen to watch videos about wars and communists and other things that drives his heads and our heads insane. But anyways, this post is not about my dad. This post is about my biggest grudge. My second biggest grudge is my dad. But I’ll write about it some other time when I’m extremely bored again.

Anyways, I will destroy him (BMW guy) if he ever crosses my path again. Even if it means I have to dig two graves: one for him and one for me. Not literally of course. You know that saying: “If you decide to go on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

On second thought, maybe that dream where I’ve killed someone and where we got rid of the body is not that motherfucker, but it’s me. I’ve changed a lot. Maybe it means that I was throwing my old self away, the old me that was ambitious, motivated and somewhat happy. The old me from two years ago.
She’s never coming back. My hatred for everything in this world grows stronger and stronger. And the light in the tunnel: finding the meaning of life, is far far away. I’ve lost sight of it. The light is gone.

While I’m writing this, my parents are gone again. Off to that stupid Asian church in France. Getting stuff fixed into that church and working for free there, while they can’t even get their home situation fixed. The house is a fucking mess, the house situation is a fucking mess. But instead of working on it, they decide to dedicate their efforts to that stupid fucking church. Church goes over family and an endurable home situation apparently. How religion turns people stupid and ignorant. Another reason why I hate religion so much. Another ridiculous invention by humans.

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2 thoughts on “Grudges, hatred and why I hate BMW so much.

  1. Waw what a fucking dirtball shitbag of a human being! May a bird shit on his head every single day. May he get arrested for assault and sexual harrasement and get his dirball ass thrown in jail! What a creeper!
    Glad that dude’s out of your life!
    Don’t fucking give him another thought. He doesn’t deserve to still be part of your life and feelings to this day. You’re better then him and you deserve better. Don’t devote any more energy, good or bad to this guy. He’s out of your life but still in your head and heart and a rat bastard like that has no right to do that to anyone. Hope you find the strenght to let go of that grudge and devote your thoughts and energy to things that will help you instead of hurt you.
    I know all about hate and holding grudges and it just wears you down and burns you out. It’s a slow death and you deserve a hell of a lot better than to be held hostage by it.

    Really sucks about your parents. Shit like that is just plain abuse and no kid should experience that. I feel like moving out and creating some space between you and your parents might do your relationship with them some good?

    Btw dunno if you’re interested in this. I was struggling a lot with my parents behaviour while growing up and their behavious now and I got recommended this book Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. You can find it for free online. It’s a pretty short read but tbh it really did help me understand some shit and I’m feelings loads better about stuff rn. imo worth checking out. I bawled my eyes out reading it tbh lol but it did help yeh.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hahah he’s a scumbag indeed! Currently I’m not very strong enough to let go of that grudge since I’m having a lot of frustrations and anger lately. But will try.

    And thanks for the recommendation! Was looking for that kind of book!

    Like

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