Back at zero.

I’m writing this, because I’m so bored and don’t have anything interesting to do nowadays besides eat, sleep, work, repeat or eat, sleep, stare my laptop screen all day, repeat. Going outside isn’t interesting either, because I get instantly irritated by people. When I step foot into my room when I’m back, it feels like I can breathe again.

My zero life energy is back. I feel like there’s nothing in this world that makes it worth living for. Nothing that can make me happy. Because I can’t seem to find anything that interests me. When I talk to people, I get those fucking cliché answers which doesn’t help me at all. Thank god I don’t talk to them in person, or they would see me eye-rolling at how cliché they are.
Life is so boring. I see people living their lives and do “good” in their eyes. But their lives seem boring as well in my eyes. Or they are just putting their rose-colored glasses on.
I look at the world, and all I see is ugly things. I also live in Belgium, one of the mediocre countries in Europe. All the things I think I’m interested in, like poledance or burlesque, is boring here. What’s the best in Belgium at this level, is mediocre level in another country. I do poledance at one of the most decent/”the best” poledance studios in Ghent. But it’s still not that wow. Even people in the Netherlands do it even more bigger than us when it comes to dance and culture. I want to leave this shithole so bad, but saving money to leave goes by so fucking slow. So slow, that I feel like I won’t even be alive anymore when I’ll finally reach my goal. Killing myself is faster than this.
I want to save money fast, but then it feels like I have to sit at home all day (which I’m already doing) and just do nothing because it means I won’t have any expenses. But that’s not an option if I want to stay alive (but do I?).
I don’t feel like meeting up with people as well. But when I DO feel like meeting up, they can’t, or they can but they’re just sitting at home or using excuses. Which makes me doubt about our “friendship”. But on the other hand, I knew friendship isn’t an eternal thing. Friendship is not forever. If you want eternal, unconditional love, just get a dog instead. You get more from a dog than a human being. Out of all the people I’m surrounded with, there’s still one friend that actually tries to help me (let’s call her Alison, even though that is one of her names) and one guy that studied the same thing as me. All the rest feels like meaningless contacts.

Everything bores me. Zero motivation.
Even my pole at home just stands here. Gaming doesn’t interest me that much anymore either. Nothing does. I try to find new things to learn. But I’m in Belgium. Which means, everything is amateur level. There was a time when I jumped up the air once to go poledancing and that’s when my most favorite Dutch poledancer came to Belgium to teach workshops. But if I go all the way to Amsterdam, where her poledance studio is, there will be hundreds of euros gone from my account. Even though it will be a great experience, I know I’ll still have regrets later on.  I’m not that kind of person that has zero regrets when I have great experiences. I ALWAYS have regrets.
The only thing that doesn’t give me regrets is my naughty adventures at a hotel with my Tinder guy. When I’m with him, it makes me forget about everything for a while. Mostly because I feel like napping in his arms most of the time.
Even though there’s another guy I’m not over yet. Because even though Tinder guy makes me forget about everything for a while, I still miss smart discussions. I had those kind of discussions with the previous guy. Tinder guy accepts my insecurities, but previous guy made me smarter. But they’re both not the right fit for me.
I also don’t feel like finishing my studies, because I hate our education system so much and also because of the fear of what comes next. All the goals I used to had are gone.
I was once a promising girl with ambition and good grades and an overachiever, but that girl is gone. I just don’t give a fuck anymore.
I set my alarm clock at 8 AM everyday, just to lay in bed for hours wondering why I’m still alive, not wanting to start my day… And then I fall asleep again. Away from those thoughts for a while. Until I wake up again and repeat the same thing over again, until I finally decide to get up, just to get to the eat, sleep, work repeat or eat, sleep, stare at my laptop screen all day, repeat thing again.

Anyways… Just wanted to write this all down. Because I’m bored. And wanted to get this out of my system. Also because when the day finally comes where I end my life, there will be something here to explain why I did it. They can read this when I’m gone.

Today, I just feel like crying. Even though I have to work in a few hours. So I will need to suck those tears up by then. I feel like I’m one of those emo blogs with rollercoaster emotions.


2 thoughts on “Back at zero.

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