I’ve been having my ups and downs lately. A few weeks before, it was going so good and I started to get optimistic. But now things are getting downwards again and my negative thoughts are back. And then there are people who are pushing me closer towards the decision to end my life… But since my last post about saying “fuck you” more, I decided to say “fuck you” and delete those people out of my life (read: deleting off Facebook, haha…).
I don’t need to be surrounded by those kind of people. I’d rather end up alone then.
All of this makes me think: why do I still live? I have nothing to live for. I don’t have any goals … In Belgium that is. My only goal now is to work and save money as much as I can and leave this craphole. Too much poisonous people and Belgium itself is a poisonous place. I’m only 22 and I’m already so bitter. I think that has a bit to do with the mentality of this country… I do see a lot of bitter people who are jealous of each other’s success. I don’t want to turn out like that. That’s why I need to leave to another country with a better mentality and start all over again.
I need to start from zero again. It will do me good. Leave all the people I knew behind, leave my past behind and forget about everything.
I’m also afraid that if I stay here any longer, that I would end my life. I’m thinking about it more and more each day. I don’t think that people who end their life are selfish, like most people always say. I understand those people. I sometimes feel like I don’t belong in this world because I don’t have the same mindset like everyone else. I think and act differently: what seems normal to a normal person is weird to me, what’s normal to me is weird to a normal person. Sometimes they mock me with it and it irritates me.
But I also don’t want to change just because my ways are more different than their ways.
I don’t want to live long. To me, living long is more like a curse than a gift.
Yesterday was my third session at the psychologist and she saw my face when I walked in and already looked concerned. I told the whole story about what happened and showed her some texts (which I don’t want to talk about right now). I also told her I have suicidal thoughts and she asked me: “Who would you contact if you have those thoughts?“.
I said that I would contact my best friend and she said: “And is there anyone else you would contact?“. At first I said no, but then she said: “What about your brother? Don’t you think he deserves to know too? Imagine you killing yourself and you didn’t contact your brother, how would he feel then? You suddenly killing yourself without contacting him. He would have a lot of questions.”
She does have a point. But it feels weird to tell him that. He has his own life now, I don’t want to feel like a burden. I already feel like a burden with most people who know about my problems.
I also told her that what used to keep me from killing myself was imagining the reaction of my mom, that she would be devastated and turn crazy. But imagining this reaction doesn’t help anymore. And I don’t even know why…
I’m slowly falling into my downward spiral again. Or not slowly. It’s like a plane crashing.
If anyone that has experience in emigrating and would like to share some saving tips with me and other stuff, please leave a comment below.
That’s the only goal I’m holding on to right now. Mission: leave shitty Belgium.
I want my old me back, but I don’t think she’s coming back as long as I’m living in this place. I used to laugh, be silly, be weird and goofy. But the only thing that can bring out the real me now, is gaming. The real me won’t even show itself when I’m with my best friends.
I feel like I’m losing myself in this place. And I hate it.