Last Tuesday was my second appointment with the psychologist. I didn’t really felt nervous to talk anymore, but it was still no fun to go to a psychologist.
I told her about the realization I’ve made after our first session: that I’ve realized that my dad might not be that bad and that I started to be nice to my dad again. I also told her that I’ve reached out to my brother, because I talked about him on the first session too. I told her in the previous session that I felt like he didn’t really care about what was happening at home and that I felt all alone, because I can’t really talk about it with my sister too. She suffers from intellectual disability, so I don’t think she really has a clue what is going on in our home situation. But somehow, I know our home situation affects her behavior as well. I don’t think she’s happy as well, judging from my observations everyday. I think the way my parents communicate with her and raise her, are the key to her happiness. But I don’t think my parents are fit to handle her. They buy her gifts to motivate her, before she has even accomplished the task. That’s not a way to motivate people. I’m not a pro at motivating people, but I know that thát is a bad way of motivating people. It’s called “bribing”! But anyways, I was talking about my brother. The psychologist thinks that the reason he wasn’t home all the time, was because that was his way of coping with our home situation. I understand that. But I felt left behind though… I don’t know where we lost our connection, but since then, I feel shy to talk with him in real life. Crazy huh? Sister and brother not talking to each other in real life, but via text. I don’t think it’s him. I think it’s me. I need to get over it and just talk with him. But that’s harder than it seems. But don’t get me wrong, I still love him. Otherwise I wouldn’t wake up at 6 AM in the morning on my day off to scrape the ice off his car when he still lived at home, so he would get at work on time. And I know he loves me too. We show it in our (sometimes weird) way. But a real life conversation with him is my goal though. And not a short one. Because we do talk in real life, but it’s really short. It’s over in seconds.
I started reaching out (by text again, don’t judge me), even though he visited our house a few minutes ago that day. I shared him a link to my previous blogpost about my first time at the psychologist. And I’ve got a reaction from him saying that he’s surprised that I still remember all those things that happened. But what made me really emotional were these words: “I’m proud of you“. I don’t think I ever those words from him, and I barely even hear those words from my parents. And it felt good. I was afraid he would read it and would think that I was overreacting but I was pleased by his reaction. Today I asked him for advice too, and I sensed that he sounded a bit more looser now. I’m glad. Taking the step to actually talking in real life will take long. But I’ll try. Just give me some time. If I push it or if I’m being pushed into it, the results won’t be that good. Forcing things is not the way to handle things. You only force it when you’re constipated on the toilet. And even that is bad for you. Just let it … flow :p.
I told all of this to the psychologist: that I started being nice with my dad again because of the realization I’ve made and that I’ve reached out to my brother. She was surprised. She said that I was one of the few patients she had which she didn’t have to reread her summary of the previous session to know what happened, because my story caught her so much that she remembered all of it. She said it was amazing that I’ve made such progress in just a week. She was praising me for it. Until I said something which made her disagree with me again…
I told her that if I started to treat my father nicely, that maybe my father would be nicer to my mom which will make my mom a little bit more happier. Happy mom = less poisonous mom to her kids. That’s what she said…
The previous session, she said that she had the impression that I felt the responsibility to help my mom too much. That my mom is now leaning om me a lot, and therefore, she doesn’t let me grow up or let me do my own thing. Because she’s scared she might lose me. She called me a “supporting beam” for my mom.
And because I told her all those things about the cycle of treating my dad nice and all, she disagreed with me. Because it still shows that I’m still doing all of this for my mom. She called me a “supporting beam” again. She said she had the impression that I felt personally responsible for my mother’s luck, but that it’s not my job. It’s her job to find her own luck. I was kinda happy that the conversation was going fluently without crying. Even though I had a lot of almost crying moments, but I swallowed it. But this time, I wasn’t able to suck it up…
I also talked about the guy I’ve met. That he was so sweet to me and that he frequently tells me to say/think “fuck you” more. Because it will make me more confident.
The psychologist agreed with that and she sent me home with a task: say/think “fuck you” more. Even to my mom. But not say it to her face ofcourse. But to escape from my habits to feel responsible for her happiness. And also to be more confident. “Fuck you” by Cee Lo Green is my alarm clock BTW :p.
It was kinda funny hearing her say “fuck you”. I’m starting to like my psychologist a little bit more. But thank god my next session is in two weeks. Even though she’s really nice, it’s really, really no fun going to therapy. I really hope we can finish this in 5 sessions.
But probably not. I can feel that I’m making progress, but I also feel that I’m still not there yet.
I’ll keep you posted!