In one of my first blogposts I talked about “Zero life energy”. When I wrote that post, I was already in the 1st fase of a downward spiral. In that post, I talked about my first step to contact someone from school that could find me a psychologist for a student-friendly price. But I backed out at the last moment then. Today (well yesterday actually), I finally had the courage to go through with it and actually saw the psychologist today. It was scary waiting in the waiting room and I thought about backing out again and just run away.
But I’m glad I went through with it. Here’s why…
One of my biggest problem at the moment is my home situation, just like I’ve told a bit in that first blog post. It’s no fun growing up and seeing your parents fight most of the time. Hearing your mother shout to your dad (or not shout, she talks really loud) and then afterwards she outs her frustration and anger on us, children. As a 3-year-old, you didn’t really understand what was going on and it was confusing and depressing to see your parents fight and then the day after, everything is back to normal again. It’s no fun to suddenly move to another house full of strangers, because your mother felt in danger because she was threatened by your father with a knife on her throat. I didn’t really understand anything back then. And I’ve learned the truth about why we had to move to that “safety house for women who felt in danger for their home situations” when I was in puberty. So I’ve developed a lot of anger against my dad, but fear too. Fear that he could be a psychopath. Things got more rough and my dad stopped working, which I was really mad for and I thought it was really selfish of him. I was really angry for years that he didn’t take care of us and thought he was a selfish asshole. I’d rather wanted him dead, than see his existence at home everyday because I saw him as a parasite living from my mom’s hard work.
But after my first session with the psychologist today, I’m starting to understand why he’s like this. Even though I called him an asshole during that session too (habit I guess). She formed her side of opinion on all the things I’ve told. After I’ve told her I had anger issues and didn’t want to turn out like my dad and she gave her opinion on that, I started to open my eyes. My dad may not be that much of a bad person as I thought. I realized that my anger issues were mostly triggered by my mom: she likes to tell me things that frustrate me a lot, even though I already had my own problems to deal with. And frustration leads to anger. When I get angry, I lose control for a bit and turn out like my dad: a “monster”. But after that, I get overwhelmed with regret and shame. Maybe that was the reason why my dad took a knife: maybe my mom triggered him so much, that he turned so angry that he grabbed a knife. My mom can be too much and doesn’t know the limits to push a person’s buttons. And he had a lot of bad friends too, which could be a factor why he did it. I’m starting to understand now. He couldn’t be a psychopath, otherwise I’d be one too. Because my dad and I are the same person when we get angry. I know I’m not thinking clearly when I’m angry. So he probably wasn’t thinking clearly either. But I know he would never hurt a fly now, if he’s like me. He just needs to be understood. I remember when we lived in that “safety house” for months or weeks (dunno, I was young), we sneaked into our real house one night when my father had a night shift because either we were homesick and wanted to see our house again for a bit, or my mother needed some stuff at the house. I remember seeing the Christmas tree that my dad set up, with a whole bunch of gifts for all of us. Which shows his regret about his actions and that he wanted his family back for Christmas.
And the fact that he quit his job and stopped looking after us is probably because my mom doesn’t motivate him to be a better dad by nagging and criticizing him all the time, and I did the same thing because I was blinded then. Also doesn’t help if his kids hate his guts too (or maybe it was only me). So that part, I understand too. I always thought my father was a lost cause and that he didn’t care for us. But after the conversation today with the psychologist, I’m starting to understand and I’m starting to see those little things he did right too, like: offering me money sometimes when I go to school, so I could buy lunch or buy a trainticket or buy something nice…
Not that all of this is my mother’s fault, but I’m starting to break free from her manipulation. I don’t know if it’s her intent to make me hate my dad by constantly telling me all those bad things about my dad, but it does seem like she’s manipulating me.
I cried earlier because I realized how horrible I was towards my dad the past few years. I WILL make things right with him. I’m not good at showing affection and talking, especially NOT with family, but I’ll take it step by step and make it clear to him that I understand him now and that deep down, I still love him. Otherwise I wouldn’t carry a banana or Coca-Cola with me to equip in the car whenever he had to drive me to school. My school is a 30 mins. drive, but it’s via a highway. If you have diabetes type 2 and your sugar is low while driving, that could be dangerous. As much as I hated him in the past, I still wanted him to come home safe. That’s the reason why I carried the banana and/or Coca-Cola into the car.
I’m not going to wait long to make it clear that he has me by his side again, because before you know it, life can be over. I would be devastated if he died and I didn’t tell him how I’m feeling right now. That’ll mean that he’ll die without knowing that his daughter still loves him. I don’t know how I’m going to do all of this to make it clear, since we’re both not really talkative. But I will probably start by getting him a gift to break the ice. And for my mom… It’s time to break free from her manipulation. It’s time for me to build some strength to resist her emotional manipulation. Not that she’s a bad person, but she’s poisonous without her even knowing it. I don’t know what I will do to make this family situation more bearable, but I will think about some actions I could take. Maybe if my dad’s more happy because he has his daughter by his side again, that he would be less cruel to my mom and that my mom would feel less depressed and that could turn out to be positive for her kids as well. She could turn out to be less poisonous then. This will a be a hard task and I might fail, but I’ll try. I know there are people backing me up now and to whom I can turn to for advice. And I also want closure, I still don’t know a lot of things about my parents in the past. But I want to find out. I want to find out why my father said “yes” when my mother forced him to marry him. Because right now, it really doesn’t make sense. My psychologist thinks that maybe she was pregnant… But I want confirmation. I want closure. I want to understand. If my mother won’t talk, maybe my dad will. And if he won’t talk, my aunt will. For after all, she’s the sister of my mom. She’ll probably know some answers.
Realizing all of this and wanting to understand these things is really a positive sign (even when I say so myself) and my negative and suicidal thoughts are slowly drifting away. I’m starting to believe that things will get better.
I’m seeing my future a bit more positive. And I’m slowly beginning to believe that I can finish my last two subjects in college and graduate. Because I made the step to talk with a psychologist. 2016 sucked. But if I manage to go through with those therapy sessions and don’t change my mindset which I’m having at the moment, 2017 won’t be that bad. So if you readers are stuck in something that is making you feel depressed or stuck, do not hesitate to seek help. It really did me good, and I’m glad that I did it. Hearing the opinion of a professional that was standing outside of the situation, was a real eye-opener. I’m done laying in bed all day with zero life energy. I’m done having suicidal thoughts. I’m done hating my dad.
I WANT to improve myself. And I finally came up with something that might be a solution for my horrible home situation, instead of only complaining about it. I finally found my light in a dark place.